My Name Is "John" (Also "Woody," and a couple more), and I am an asshole.

All American men are always already at least to SOME degree afflicted symptoms of ass-wholery.

Is there something in the cultural dna (capitalism? individualism? exceptionalism?) which inclines--nay, verily, propels--an overwhelming majority of Murkin males--especially, but not exclusively, of the pale-skinned persuasion--into lives of wholesale "Ass-wholery": Being WHOLLY an asshole, all the time out of habit and privilege?

It is for that reason that years ago I founded the "American Society of Recovering Ass-Wholes" (AS-RAW).

As with any other finding relief form any abusive condition, recovery from "ass-wholery" requires a community of fellow sufferers from which to draw the strength to resist its very real blandishments, and of friends willing to see the sufferer through the inevitable, but increasingly occasional, relapses.

and they'll thank you (eventually) if you sign 'em up...

Membership comes with a nice plaque!

Saturday, January 30, 2010

WANTED: Nominees for AS-RAW Recognition.

We'll of course consider nominations such as might be made in the names of either Pat Robertson or Pat Buchanan, and their ilk and like (too numerous to name), without a great volume of substantiating information. An award of Ass-Whole of the Day could be presented to the owner of the most egregiously ass-wholistic public behavior or expression in the "public sphere."

But we are interested also in the quotidian ass-wholery of y/our friends, spouses, lovers, bosses, teachers, and others who seem unable NOT to (e.g.) gratuitously offend and then laugh about it. As "recovering assholes" ourselves, we claim the ability to recognize ambient ass-wholeric behaviors, and the authority to remark upon them, in a purely "interventionary" posture. I could mention the 'clever' young, male student who persisted in answering rhetorical questions (until I softly reminded him that, were we members of any other species, I would be compelled to kill him--or at least to try to).

Indeed, our aim here is to attempt to compile perhaps the defining document of American Ass-Wholery (at fiorst, only; later we might move onto the international scene; Burlusconi seems a likely honoree). If you have a tale of individual ass-wholery--I happen to know PE Nolan has several "Buzzkill" stories that would qualify--we invite you to submit a narrative (preferably, for legal and security reasons, anonymizing the offender to all but their own eyes) for consideration of membership and recognition of their contributions to the field..

Depending on volume, we may be able to award Ass-Whole of the Week, Month, and/or Year, and to develop a means for nominating members (readers, you, the "recovering" ones, or those who by dint of gender exception avoided the syndrome altogether) to vote to honor deserving candidates.

So, please submit your nominees with suitable narratives, with photos of relevant bruises. breakages, or other injuries, soon, to the Comments here, or to the FaceBook page We shall soon open up.


  1. I will go ahead and nominate Bluestar727 - that blogstalking ex-boyfriend who hung out in a carrel at the library and his mother's house, apparently thinking I wouldn't know it was him in my stats. He knows all about dividend stocks and mutual funds, but less than Dummies when it comes to covering your google tracks when posting xxx personal ads and searching for gang bangs on adult friend finder.
    He's either arrogant and stupid or trying to get caught because at this writing, there is another working girl following the twitter account where he announced that his latest investment book will be available in book stores. She's selling her xxx videos in his follower column right beside financial journalists from Washington DC.

    Does that mean many financial journalists and internet porn stars are in the same business? Ask Jim Cramer.

  2. My nomination for Asshole of the Week comes in the shape of one John W. the parent of a first grader. John's son, a distractable, but probably likable tyke with an old fashioned biblical name is going to be retained, because, his teacher assured me, he isn't ready for second grade; meaning, in words of one syllable, he can't read.
    John comes in obviously HOT! John is an engineer or something like that, a very minor functionary at our local navy base. He starts by informing everyone that he was the valedictorian of his high school, and no child of HIS is going to be retained!
    "Mrs. Jones, my child will be HOME SCHOOLED before he is retained"! ( He says this like it's a threat, like he is withholding from us the real treat of not getting to teach his child. What he fails to realize is at the words "home school" every pulse in the room soars with hope that this annoying blister and his offspring will indeed pull themselves out of the public school gene pool!) His wife's shoulder's sag at this. Clearly young Hosiah is not the only baby she has to deal with.
    The douchebag continues by asking why this is the first time HE has ever heard of it. Mrs. Jones, who is a seasoned vet of 25 years pulls the report card over in front of herself.
    "Let's see", she muses. "November 15.... is that your wife's signature? March 4, is that your wife's signature?" The wife, a thin young, brow beaten, but devout mormon, nods and looks despondent. She knows whose fault this is going to be. John starts to bluster, but Mrs. Jones cuts him off. "When I have a toothache and go to the dentist and the dentist says that I need a filling, I don't argue with him".
    "WELL", says John, "this report says that Hosiah is distracted! I'M here to say that when I saw him this afternoon he was PERFECTLY focused"!
    "When you saw him" says Mrs. Jones, starting to fire up, he was sitting in his chair with his knees drawn up, his head back and staring at the ceiling! This was one of his better days." Mom nods, a little sadly at her husband. Douchebag continues to bluster.
    "WELL I'm not signing ANYTHING!"
    Mrs. Jones pushes the retention papers to the middle of the table, and says, "You are free to dispute this, of course. Your signature acknowledges this meeting took place and you have been informed of the decision to retain your son. What you choose to do with the information is entirely your business." she says walking out of the meeting with the dignity of a queen.

  3. ...I nominate you Woody... you play the role very well.

  4. I nominate the newly minted whistle-blower, Jack Abramoff